just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
