I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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