Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
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