Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
