need another drink. this is the easiest way
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
love makes seman taste better
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
