Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
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he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
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it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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