im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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