That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
