Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
