Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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