Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
