Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
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Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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