im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
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MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
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It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.