Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.