I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
