never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
