im about as happy as oj after his trial
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
