I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Randomize
