headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.