I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
