Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
