How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
