I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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