2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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