He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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