Babe...You're really smothering me right now
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?