my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
