Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
