So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.