mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
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On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
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Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug