Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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