All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
