You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
