Plan B is the new Plan A
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
my being single is dangerous.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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