Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
