I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
