you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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