Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
