what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
