I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
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I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
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I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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