How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
