fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
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