She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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