do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
