I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
