M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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