Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
