I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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