she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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