I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
