My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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