man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
