this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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