Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Randomize
