there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
