I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
