I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
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