who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
