I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
BRING THE BAGELS
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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