tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
