So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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