take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
