I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
