And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
